Turbulence that turns an airplane ride into a nauseating rollercoaster is not a mere meteorological event, caused by the sun, warming oceans and other large scale natural phenomena. You may have been fooled into believing any of this so-called hard science rubbish, but now is the time to face the truth: it is produced by a sub-species of Leprechauns, aptly referred to as Turbulence Leprechauns.
They’re here. They’re for real. They are all around us.
Turbulence Leprechauns (or TLs) are busy creatures, even though there is nothing they love more than lying in their couch binge-watching Leprechix (Netflix for Leprechauns, as it happens). But sometimes, a Leprechaun’s gotta do what a Leprechaun’s gotta do, and remind us of their presence.
TLs don’t talk to everyone, they just wouldn’t have the time, and the recent budget cuts in the CLA (Central Leprechaun Agency) have not helped. In order to be considered worthy of their attention, you must be part of the most exclusive club ever. You must be a Chosen.
If you are not part of this enlightened elite, the facts stated here will sound like gibberish to you, blinded as you are by your own superstitions and lack of insight. Who knows, you may even doubt the very existence of TLs. On the other hand, if you are one of these happy few, you know for a fact that TLs run our world and our lives.
But how is a Chosen made aware of TLs?
You merely asking the question shows how clueless you really are.
Well, just for you, and on this blog exclusively, here is the plain, total, unique and unquestionable truth. Whenever a Chosen enters a lavatory in a flying airplane (always in your “ticketed cabin”, or so goes the gospel, just after “please store your belongings in the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of you” and before “Sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight”), a TL is notified, and creates turbulence for the Chosen to know, with no doubt whatsoever, that He (or She) is being watched, that His world does not exist without the TLs saying so, that He (or She) is a puppet in the shrewd hands of a bigger power. The TL shows its muscle, its power, its clout, when You are most vulnerable, having Your hands full with the most pressing matters.
I’m a scientist. I know what randomness is. And the airplane shaking like there is no
tomorrow whenever I enter the lavatory just cannot be a coincidence. I am a Chosen.
It does not matter that the flight appears to be smooth as a baby’s buttock. The captain may very well announce fantastic flying conditions, unlimited visibility and a money-back guaranteed silky ride. To no avail: at the very moment I lock the lavatory door, gravity becomes questionable, horizontality uncertain and in these moments of dire need and extreme discomfort, the most atrocious accidents become painfully probable.
Science is always work in progress, and TL wisdom is a journey, not a destination. The TL community is still ironing out some complex facts, to be investigated with ruthless scientific rigor. Two of the most vibrant areas of research in contemporary TL studies are detailed below.
Non flying airplanes
What happens when a Chosen enters the lavatory of a plane on the ground? It has been speculated that TL’s powers were constrained by a minimum altitude threshold, but that has been contradicted (at least to a degree) by extensive experiments on airplanes parked at the Lhasa airport in Tibet, one of the highest in the world.
Another possible factor is the MWYH (Messing With You Hypothesis), that claims that TLs often behave in unpredictable ways for the sole purpose of further obfuscating any attempt at serious research about them.
Systematic earthquakes whenever a Chosen enters the lavatory of a non-flying airplane would raise way too much suspicion.
A pressing scientific matter, as you can see.
While the overwhelming evidence suggests that it should be stochastically impossible, there have been a few well-documented cases of turbulence while no one was actually enjoying the privacy of the lavatory.
How to reconcile this apparent nonsense with the corpus of TL knowledge we have
accumulated over the years? Science is definitely not for the faint-hearted.
Again, as it is often the case when dealing with serious science, a number of explanations have been put forward and investigated by different research teams.
First, it may have been that the plane in question happened to be in the vicinity of another one where an unsuspecting Chosen was using the facilities, TLs not having the accuracy to limit the turbulence they create to a single airplane.
Some studies have also demonstrated a tenuous but measurable correlation between just intending to go to the lavatory and the corresponding TL-induced turbulence, even if the subject does not necessarily follow suit on this intent.
Granted, an appropriately shaking airplane can discourage the bravest of the
lavatory goers as long as the mounting pressure remains within acceptable limits.
And then, some others again suggest that the MWYH may further blur our perception, that TL research should focus on generalities rather than data points that may have been tampered with. This stance has been opposed by TL scholars among the most adventurous, who assert that the MWYH Heisenbergian hypothesis may have been overused at times, as an easy substitute for more thorough analysis of the facts.
But don’t be fooled by all this academic nit-picking: Turbulence Leprechauns are among us.
How much evidence do you need?